MARBLEHEAD — Virginia Buckingham has taken many walks across the causeway at Devereux Beach, looked across the horizon and seen Boston skyline off in the distance,
“I’d visualized planes going into buildings,” she said. “I’d see planes, and listen. I’d have nightmares about planes crashing into buildings, and I’d be trying to get to the scene and help out … and never be able to get there. It was a form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).”
Buckingham, who lives in Marblehead, was CEO of the Massachusetts Port Authority on Sept. 11, 2001, when two of the four airplanes involved in the attack that killed nearly 3,000 people took off from Logan International Airport, which is under Massport’s jurisdiction.
Buckingham suffered a lot of criticism, or, as she called it, “scapegoating” because of the attacks, and ultimately resigned from the job.
Now she’s written a book, “On My Watch,” which details the aftermath of the attacks and the process she said she went through “not so much to move on, but to move forward” from it.
“It was a difficult time,” she said. “I’m trying to do some good with it. I’m a writer in my heart, and if it’s not my vocation it’s my avocation. I really needed to make sense out of what happened. I decided to publish it in hopes of offering things to others that might help them in their own struggles. If I can do something good with something bad, that’s a gift.”
Buckingham said she heard six words that changed her life, “and changed the world.”
Those words were, “Two planes are off the radar.”
She was driving to work when she heard the first reports about an airplane flying into one of the Twin Towers. She heard the second report live.
“I did not know until later that morning that the planes were from Logan,” she said. “There was a lot of confusion about what had happened.”
In the immediate aftermath, she didn’t even think about her status as head of Massport. It never dawned on her that her job might be in jeopardy.
“It was, ‘How can we keep the airport safe? How can we evacuate terminals? How can we make sure the airport is secure so that investigations could be done effectively?’
“We opened a family services place quickly for those whose loved ones were on planes. We were focused on the families.”
Soon enough, though, came the reckoning — in this case, from acting Gov. Jane Swift.
“I read the first newspaper story saying that I may be targeted on Sept. 13,” she said, “It did not take long. I didn’t focus on it because I didn’t want anyone who was investigating and dealing with it distracted.”
However, keeping that distraction away proved to be impossible.
“It was a very intense six weeks,” she said. “I’ve come to learn a lot about blaming and political leaders. The public had a lot of questions, and a lot of fears, and I’ve come to understand that blaming is a way to assert control over a situation. I was a convenient target to make people feel safer.”
She also noted that the people in corresponding positions at Dulles in Washington and Newark, N.J., were not blamed.
“The man at the gate in Portland (Maine) — if you remember, two of the terrorists got on planes in Maine and flew to Boston — was also distraught,” she said. “I finally got to meet him, and he looked at me and said, ‘We both come from hurt.'”
Buckingham said she internalized all the criticism and it resulted in “seeds of doubt. Could I have done something better? It came to a head when I was sued for wrongful death by the family of one of the victims. That was devastating.”
The personal lawsuit was dropped quickly, but the one against Logan took years to resolve itself, and that weighed heavily on her, too.
“It took me a long time to realize that wasn’t true,” she said. “And it took me a long time to reconcile what happened. But it was finally decided that Logan’s security wasn’t any better or worse than anyone else’s.”
She also got affirmation from several sources, including one of the most unlikely.
“Anne MacFarland of Revere had a daughter on one of the flights,” Buckingham said. “I met with her and asked her if she felt I, or Logan, were responsible. She said no, she didn’t. Her compassion, and embrace, were lifesavers.
“She gave me so much peace,” Buckingham said. “I hope I gave her some.”
She also got reassurances from Andrew Card, who was President George W. Bush’s chief of staff, “who kindly told me the administration didn’t see Logan as being any different than any other airport.”
And, finally, the commission that investigated 9/11 “used a perfect phrase to describe it: ‘It was a failure of imagination.’ Nobody could have foreseen this.”
Buckingham talks in her book about being her own hero.
“Writing the book has been a healing thing for me,” she said. “I’m hoping it will be a healing thing for others. I think it’ll be applicable to others. People feel their own sense of guilt and blame, especially during this pandemic. So many decisions have to be made.
“But hold onto your voice,” she said. “I think resilience is recognizing you’re broken, and that you can’t change what happened. But you’re made stronger by it.”