For families with separated parents, COVID-19 has presented a particularly unique struggle.
With residents being told by their state and local governments to stay indoors and stay put, and schools closing their doors indefinitely to make the switch to online learning, many parents sharing joint custody of their children have been faced with difficult decisions.
Should one parent be given temporary full custody? Who takes charge of at-home schooling? What should the solution be if one caretaker is following lockdown orders while the other isn’t taking the virus seriously?
“The big issue, especially at the beginning of a lot of the stay-at-home advisories, was parents had concerns about exchanging children and following the (custody) plans that were already in place,” said Burlington-based attorney Andy P. Miller. “I think there were concerns by parents that when they’re living separate or apart, they don’t really know what the other parent is (doing) or how closely they’ve been following the same stay-at-home advisories.”
Miller said he’s seen families grapple with a number of issues since the start of the outbreak, especially those where one parent is an essential worker and the other isn’t.
Sending a child to stay the weekend with a parent who spends each day directly in the virus’ line of fire can be a taxing experience for everyone involved, although Miller said some families have devised temporary custody arrangements to keep children out of harm’s way and lessen the workload of the working parent.
“We’ve got clients that are nurses and doctors and are very much on the frontline of this, and there are concerns for the non-frontline workers about ‘is it OK for my child to be there?’” he said. “This is an unusual circumstance, and if they can work it out amongst themselves, that’s phenomenal.”
Frontline families aren’t the only ones facing this dilemma, however. Miller said he’s also seen parents and caretakers upset at ex-partners who insist on having their significant others stay over, or who otherwise simply refuse to practice social distancing guidelines.
Adding to familial stress, online school has also meant the burden of keeping children on track with their studies falls to two parents, who often have very different educational approaches.
“As lawyers, we try to look at it in the normal frame, which is ‘hey, any time you’re at mom’s house or dad’s house, that parent is responsible for whatever duties are necessary,” Miller said. “That’s how we’ve tried to navigate this.”
He later added: “It’s challenging because the courts are impacted as well and are only able to hear emergencies.
“I suspect it’ll be an issue that pops up once courts are able to resume their normal business. Parents who lost their (parenting) time are going to want to raise that in the future.”
Kristin Bullwinkel, a family attorney and ad litem based in Westford, works both with parents and children individually.
She said the virus has affected her ability to assess her clients’ needs in their home settings.
“What’s really important is getting to meet the parties involved and going to their houses to see where they live and how the children interact with each parent,” she said. “That’s really been stifled.
“We’re allowed to do it so long as the families and the guardian ad litem is comfortable, but that’s a lot to ask in this ever-changing situation … and what’s really missing is that personal interaction.”
Naturally, Bullwinkel added the families she works with have also suffered from increased stress since the start of the pandemic.
“As a result of the recent stay-at-home orders, parents who were living in two separate places have oftentimes had to consolidate their households into one, and managing that stress is extraordinarily difficult for all members of that household,” she said. “People are losing their jobs, their rental places, and (they) feel like they’re falling without a net, which can definitely lead to a range of emotions that would otherwise maybe not be shown.”
To keep the peace during a difficult time, Miller emphasized that trust between divorced parents is crucial to the wellbeing of their children.
“This can be scary,” he said. “I say ‘trust and patience’ because both sides need to work even harder right now to listen to each other.
“If mom’s saying to dad that she’s worried about some of dad’s choices, I would strongly encourage dad not to take it as a personal attack, to try to not look at it as her questioning your life choices, but saying, ‘hey, this is what’s going on right now, and your choosing to go to the beach every weekend and not socially distance worries me.’
“Trust that the other side is coming at it from a position of concern rather than trying to micromanage you, and patience because nobody prepared for this in any way, shape, or form. We’re all navigating this for the first time together.”
Elyse Carmosino can be reached at [email protected].