For as long as any of us can remember, the grieving process — at least as it pertains to the immediate aftermath of death — has been pretty basic.
First there’s a wake, and then there’s a service, either in a church or a funeral home.
Wakes may have morphed from two-day affairs to just one day, and with one time-block. But they have always been a constant in our lives.
Now, thanks to the coronavirus and the restrictions imposed by the state and its various communities, among them the banning of group gatherings of more than 10 people, that has changed radically. And funeral directors and priests are at a loss to console the families of COVID-19 victims, some of whom had not seen their loved ones since before they were hospitalized due to the virus.
“This has been the most challenging part,” said Anthony O’Donnell, of O’Donnell Funeral home in Salem. “It’s been hard finding a way to allow families to celebrate and honor the lives of the loved ones they have lost during this pandemic.
“We are used to celebrating their lives in a particular way, and now they cannot. As funeral directors, we carry the burdens of the families, but I don’t feel like I can do that in this environment. I can’t provide them everything they want.”
And what they want, most of all, is to be comforted and to know that there’s a sympathetic hug, or ear, or shoulder, or even a pat on the shoulder from the person they’ve entrusted with making the funeral arrangements.
“I just feel for them,” said Anne Ciccarelli of Bisbee-Porcella Funeral Home in Saugus and Revere. “I’m a hugger. I just feel like, ‘how do you show sympathy toward these people when your face is covered with a mask?’
“My heart breaks for them. Some of them haven’t seen their loved ones in six weeks because either the facility they were in was shut down, or because they’re in the hospital. And in some cases, they can’t even get in to get clothing because of that.”
All directors say the number of deaths related to the virus has made things busy.
“We’re very busy,” said Brian Field of Solimine Funeral Homes of Lynn. “We’re probably about three times as busy in the last three weeks than we usually are.”
The same holds true at Cuffe-McGinn, also in Lynn.
“It’s exhausting,” said Brian Coffta, general manager for Cuffe-McGinn. “Everybody’s straight out.”
It’s also disheartening, he said.
“No matter who you work for, or with, you’re not able to serve families the way you’d like to,” he said. “That’s the hardest part. It’s difficult when families don’t have the opportunity to say a formal goodbye to their loved ones.
“We, as funeral directors, are grieving too, because we can’t do what we love to do, which is take care of people. That’s depressing to a funeral director.”
Wakes are meant to act as a communal celebration of a person’s life as well as a way to help families cope with the grief of loss, said O’Donnell.
“Families need that. They really do,” he said. “They need to honor and celebrate the lives of their loved ones. It’s for the deceased, but it’s for themselves too.
“Grief can be overwhelming to people, even if they’re able to express it. But to not be able to express it …”
That, says Father Brian Flynn, pastor of St. Mary’s and Sacred Heart parishes, is one thing he’s heard often in the two months since the pandemic hit the United States with full force.
“One of the things people say to me often is that they couldn’t be with their loved ones, that they had to die alone. That is devastating. There’s a real human emotion there.
“And then, on top of that not being able to have a funeral Mass,” he said. “Many people have asked whether they can have a mass in the future. We’re certainly encouraging them. It’s part of the human condition to need them.”
Both O’Donnell and Father Flynn feel that absence may end up making the heart grow fonder.
“One of the most interesting things about this whole situation we’re in is that we don’t realize in some cases how much something means to us, like the wake, and like the funeral Mass, until we can’t have it,” he said. “Then we realize what an important role it plays in our lives.”
“This might bring back to light the value of what we do,” O’Donnell said. “It’s the value of a gathering of friends and family around you, to show how much you are loved, and how much people care, and want to support you.”
Even in the mechanics of planning a service, these regulations can be daunting.
“We have to make sure there are only 10 in a room, but that people have an opportunity to pay their respects,” Field said. “That’s part of the healing process.”
There are other, more basic functions that need to be addressed in this environment.
“Every room’s disinfected after a family leaves,” he said.
However, said Coffta, most people understand that as inconvenient and sad as these restrictions are, they are necessary.
“I’d say it’s like everything,” he said. “You might get that one person who doesn’t. But that[‘s not the majority.
“Most people are just frustrated,” he said. “It’s not directed at us. It’s just a sign of the times. We’re in the crosshairs. Think about it. Usually after any funeral or memorial service, people gather, share stories, eat food, and celebrate the lives of their loved ones. People can’t do that. There’s no closure.”
Steve Krause can be reached at [email protected].