Opinion

Brotherton: Make Astrology Great Again, Trump-style

President Donald J. Trump has a birthday coming up, June 14 to be exact. He’ll be 73. Yasmine Bleeth, Steffi Graf, Che Guevara and Burl Ives were born on the same date.

You might want to rush out and buy his gift now, in case the stock market crashes and your retirement fund is barely able to buy a single piece of penny candy.

Anyway, that means Trump is a Gemini. Gemini men are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Wait, that doesn’t sound like our commander in chief. Oh, my bad: That’s the Boy Scout Law.

According to astrology.com, the Gemini man can be a delightfully confusing conundrum, with his scintillating wit and mercurial moods. People born under the sign of the Twins represent the union of dualities within the human soul: dark and light. Gemini men are usually cheerful, enthusiastic, friendly and fun. But they can also be moody, irresponsible, inconsistent and quick-tempered. They crave continuous stimulation and want a life filled with new and exciting people, places and things. They often see life as a game, and they make the rules.

By the way, Vice President Mike Pence and attorney/lapdog Rudy Guiliani are also Geminis.

Not all Gemini men are as extreme as the leader of the free world; Paul McCartney seems to be a perfectly pleasant bloke. Trump is a Gemini, with Leo rising and a Sagittarius moon. This might explain why his behavior doesn’t always seem normal.

Every day I read my horoscope on the funny pages, and bend the report to suit my needs. I’m a Virgo, and, as Item readers have pointed out many times, this Virgo man thinks he is much funnier than he really is.

Anyway, I wondered what the stars and planets predict for The Gemini Man for the rest of 2019. The Gemini Man considers journalists “dishonest slobs who don’t understand sarcasm,” so instead of getting out my tarot cards and doing it myself, I consulted famed astrologer OH! Brotherton, who reminds readers that he does not guarantee the accuracy or reliability of any of the information or content contained in, resulting from, or linked to this article. It is hereby stated that you, the person reading this, acknowledge and agree that any reliance upon any of this information is darned stupid.

OK, we might be on the cusp of Making Astrology Great Again. Here goes…

OH! Brotherton’s 2019 report for The Gemini Man born on June 14.

The New Shining Sun in Uranus suggests that you will instinctively begin a new phase of your life this year. You are highly educated and have the best words, so you’ll feel the urge to share your thoughts often even if you have no idea what you are tweeting about. Covfefe!?!

With Mercury opposite Saturn in your Solar Plexus, expect tons of criticism from stupid losers. Being called out can be irritating, but The Gemini Man is a very stable genius and will insist all negativity is fake news. As long as you don’t forget the “big picture,” you could channel your tremendous mental energy into tasks that require structured and organized thought, skills that will pose a challenge for The Gemini Man.

Things called “Crazy Joe Biden,” “Mueller Report” and “Putin and Pie” will make you cry and will tax your patience well into 2020. But The Gemini Man never worries about taxing situations. Unusual attractions to people and things from China and North Korea can have you acting on a whim.

You’ll have a chance to heal old wounds with regards to love and lust this year. Relationships can be Stormy. You’re also bound to find new ways to make money; opportunities seem promising in Russia.

A few notable dates

June 14, 2019: The Gemini Man will go into decline if even a single Facebook friend fails to wish him a happy birthday. The Gemini Man will tweet up a storm, with such messages as “Happy birdday to me, the bestest person of ever all time, whose greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.”

July 14, 2019: The Gemini Man will propose that Kim Kardashian’s likeness replace Andrew Jackson’s on the $20 bill, “instead of that deplorable loser Harriet Tubman.”

August 14, 2019: The Gemini Man’s popularity ratings will plummet when, just before addressing the U.N. General Assembly, he coifs his orange hair into a wild man-bun.

September 14, 2019: The Gemini Man will file a bill that “ugly women lose the right to vote.”

October 14, 2019: The Gemini Man will shoot an 18-under-par round of golf at his Doral Resort’s Blue Monster course in Florida, breaking the record. He will be playing by himself.

November 14, 2019: The Gemini Man will insist that American taxpayers pay for a lavish six-months-later birthday bash at Mar-a-Lago.Only his biggest contributors and corporate buddies will receive RSVPs.

December 14, 2019: The Gemini Man, in an off-the-cuff remark, tells America’s children “Santa Claus is a fraud,” earning condemnation from the nation’s retailers and auto manufacturers, and sending the Dow to its lowest numbers in 70 years.

 

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